I arrived at the bar at around six. I was meeting a fellow teacher there who had expressed an interest reading and editing my first book. My confidence that he’d take on either task was low. This is because last year I sent my book to about twenty editors and they all rejected it. One even more or less said it was “the most unreadable pile of horseshit that had ever fouled the sanctity of his work space.”
With this rattling around in my head, I found my colleague (we’ll call him “Don”). He was sitting at a table by himself, smoking and sipping a shot of Becherovka.
“Have a seat,” he said.
I parked it and ordered a beer. It came to me and I took a long pull.
“So um, tell me about your book."
What fumbled from my mouth was the same half-polished string of anal beads I regurgitate at anyone, who asks me that question. It goes something like this:
“My book is a fictionalized account of a trip I took around the world with my childhood friends back in 2006. It not only details our day-to-day adventures, it documents the development of this pseudo-culture we’ve created both at home and abroad. We’ve got our own nicknames, initiation rites, deities and spiritual philosophy. We’ve even got our own dialect of English, which we call ‘ROAST,’ for ‘Result of a Small Town.’ With every trip we take, we add a little more to our culture. But this trip in 2006 added the most to the pot. That’s why I decided to write a book about it.”
I was expecting Don to excuse himself from the table and hail a cab. Instead, he raised an eyebrow.
“Sounds like an interesting book.”
I ordered another beer and a shot. I inhaled the latter and gulped the former.
“So you wanna read it?” I asked.
“Of course. But first tell me a little more about your body of writing. Do you have a blog?”
The word “BLOG” exited his lips and moved across the table in slow motion. Before I could duck, it crashed against my face like a loaded baby diaper.
“I fucking hate BLOGS!” I said, spitting the word from my mouth.
“Because! They are the antithesis of literature and the destruction of good writing! People set ‘em up with little consideration of ‘why’ or ‘how.’ Then they just go on there and puke their unformed thoughts up on the page for the whole world to see without ever taking the time to really hone and compile them into what might have become a decent book. All this ‘blogging,’ and ‘tweeting,’ and bullshit is the same! It’s ruining the craft of writing and I for one will not participate!”
Don breathed in half his cigarette then flabbered the smoke out of his mouth.
“Hans,” he said. “Get over yourself and step into the twenty-first century. Every writer worth his salt has a blog these days. And yes, some people do use them to ‘puke their unformed thoughts up on the page,’ but not all. In fact, I know some people who have become much better writers because of their blogs. What's more, they’ve expanded their fan bases and created forums to showcase their work. How else is that guy in Brazil who just might love your writing, ever gonna get to read it if you don’t have a blog?”
The man I had a point. I considered it with a sour face and ordered more drinks. Time rolled by like a beer barrel. By eight thirty, I was tanked. I gave Don my book and thanked him for his advice. Then I paid the bill.
“Remember what I said about starting a blog,” he said.
I took the tram from Nové Město. It whined through the center then descended into Žižkov like a finger down the Devil’s throat. It coughed me up at my stop. I staggered down the hill, trying to avoid the doggy landmines littering the sidewalk. At about the halfway point, I felt my bladder squeak. It was filled to the splitting point and in desperate need of release. I found the nearest tree. I widened my stance, unzipped my pants and pulled my dick free.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” I breathed.
The piss drained from my tip in outrageous quantities. As it did, I thought of my blog. I decided I’d write the damn thing but wondered what to call it. I zipped up and continued walking. A minute later, I had to pee again. I did so against a building. I finished and walked the two blocks to my flat. When I got inside, amazingly, I had to piss for a third time. I went in the John and did my business. As the water tinkled, I remembered a phrase I’d read earlier in an urban dictionary. The phrase was “Breaking the Seal.” It means “After having consumed large quantities of alcohol, urinating once, and because of said act, having to urinate again and again over a long period of time.” The beauty of it all hit me like a pair of tits to the face.
“That’s what I’ll call it!” I screamed.
What you’re reading now is the byproduct of that Eureka moment. I’ve broken my seal on these pages and will continue to let it flow once a month, till my fingers give out.
Hope you all enjoy ;)
Note: I reserve the right to occasionally alter the character names, descriptions, and/or event details in my posts for the purposes of identity protection and “fluidity of story.” If this puts a kink in your panties, read someone else’s blog, homey.
Your ability to command the language and capture the reader's attention is purely magical. Your use of metaphors and similes had me on the edge of my seat as if I were watching the scene unfold in a movie.ReplyDelete
My only ask is that you share with us with greater frequency than on a monthly basis.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm going to start with monthly postings and as I gain momentum, I'll try to make them bi-weekly. The thing is, I'm working on a novel right now that is very challenging. I have to make it my priority. However, I promise to shell out the best damn blog that I can, even if it's just once a month (for the time being) I hope to share more of my crooked world with you :) -CheersReplyDelete
Mate, I big ballin' love how you manage to channel your most profound thoughts into words so gracefully! Classic! It's entertaining and it'll be hard to wait for a full month for the next part of your story. Congrats on your new unwanted blog ;)ReplyDelete
Hey thanks you big hengst! I know a month is a long time to wait but I'll try my absolute best to make it worth it. Thanks for reading man. Hope all is well :)Delete
Now I know that you have lots of important novel writing to do. However, I am in agreement with the rest when I say we would like to read more. Maybe you could post some things that are already written (copy and paste from word files?) while we wait for your next posting :) ... just a thought although I don't want you to have to tell all your stories up front!
Kudos. May your getting over the story you have told yourself and others prove this man right. Your abrupt way of thinking/being/writing has an audience; may you find each other in appropriate - even sudden and surprising - speed.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Alley Cat :)ReplyDelete